Happy couples sometimes make me wanna punch a small child
everything is sort of weird and sad and i want to sleep next to you
Yesterday was a day I was supposed to receive answers and solutions. These bruises and pain that have caused so much worry…
But now words like ‘breast cancer’ are stuck in my head. The look on the doctors face when she asked the nurse if she felt that lump and the nurses nod.
Spending four hours in the hospital having a mammogram, ultrasounds, chest xray and bloodwork. Being poked and prodded while they say things like “don’t worry.” How the hell am I not supposed to worry about 2 lumps on my breast with no answers? How do you do that?
When a man claims to love you and then tells you you’re not good enough - how unattractive you are and that he will never love you again and then leaves you for someone else all the while making you feel like it is all your fault..
You try to go on with life; telling yourself you’re better off and deserve better - but you don’t believe it. Afterall, if you had been enough-prettier, skinnier, wealthier, smarter - if you had been what he needed, he would have stayed. If YOU had been enough..more…then maybe you wouldn’t be alone. Why would anyone ever love you- you’re not enough.
But you eventually decide to try. You let someone in, but they decide you’re only good for one thing and after they get what they came for, they leave and take another piece of the broken you with them. Then you try again with someone new, they stick around a little longer and you let yourself get hopeful. This is unwise because hope is false. Hope is a liar. Just when you think maybe you found someone to help put all the broken pieces back together, they run away with more pieces- they don’t restore - they take.
And here you are again - hopeless, helpless, broken and alone. You contemplate in your head -back and forth- do I keep trying? Do I keep fighting for something that might never come?
Do I keep a small ounce of hope that one day I won’t be sitting out on this deck all alone? Do I keep trying or is it all a trick? Is hope an imaginary thing? One of life’s torture devices?